Every once in awhile I like to change things up a little
and add a joke or funny picture to this site. I saw this
list of funny conversations from air controllers and
thought it would be great. Enjoy!!!


funny air controllers quotes
real (allegedly) funny air controllers conversations
These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took
place between air controllers and pilots around the
world. They are included here firstly and simply
because many are very funny; secondly because
the collection provides examples of not so great
communications.



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock,
6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise
can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored,
not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to
say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you
are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights
and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running
"a bit peaked." Air Control told the fighter
pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that
had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start
clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our
start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer
you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying
a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I
speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw
some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told
by the tower to hold short of the active runway
while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a
cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult
go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it
out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-
tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only
expect one to know one's gate parking location,
but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird
206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206
clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway
and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where
you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking
up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944,
but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick
Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate
female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where
the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,
she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't
move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive
taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew
responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"