top ten family guy moments family guy top 5 guest appearances

Family Guy Quotes: Louis & Peter Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car? Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'? Family Guy Quotes: Brian & Chris Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity. Family Guy Quotes: Brian & Peter Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits.It says 'OOO'! Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Family Guy Quotes: Meg & Death
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.

Family Guy Quotes: Other
Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half
the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits
them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

Family Guy Quotes: Stewie
Do these huggies make my ass look big?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that.
And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

Family Guy Quotes: Other
OH! mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX!

Family Guy Quotes: Other
Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas
presents.

Family Guy Quotes: Brian & Peter
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-
competitive. So I win.

Family Guy Quotes: Stewie
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably
runs like you, very homosexually.

Family Guy Quotes: Other
Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue
in a Spike Lee movie.

Family Guy Quotes: Chris & Other Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die? Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come. Chris Griffin: UPN? Family Guy Quotes: Stewie Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie @yahoo.com. Family Guy Quotes: Stewie Forecast for tomorrow; a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom! Family Guy Quotes: Stewie Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES! Family Guy Quotes: Other This is life. So go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Best Family Guy Moments Pt. 1 Best Family Guy Moments Pt. 2

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Remember, nothing says 'good job' like a firm, open-palm
slap on the behind.

Family Guy Quotes: Other Brady Spoof
Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit
as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother,
you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you
disobey me!

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
I only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her
clothes off.

Family Guy Quotes
Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know
what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Lois
Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart
, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling
piping hot gravy all over myself.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: You know those Germans; if you don't join the
party, they come get you.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui.
[Peter starts laughing]
Peter: Oh, man, that's hysterical. (keeps laughing) Hey,
what do you say for no, doo-doo? (laughs) Hey, I'll be
right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Riding a circus elephant]
Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican
Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened
by change.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[At a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife.
Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Lois
Peter: Hey Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So
he failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the
garage that Thanksgiving when I was nineteen.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Brian
Brian: It's really amazing how this has brought the
whole neighborhood together.
Peter: You wanna know what's really amazing? I haven't
brushed my teeth in 3 days, and no one has said a thing!

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Don't worry I got an idea. An idea so smart my head
would explode if I even began to know what I was talking
about...

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Mr. Weed: Peter, your fired!
Peter: Aw! Damn it... for how long?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back
on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live
with that? Huh, can you?
[brief pause]

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter: Wanna split it?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Brian
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan
contract?
Peter: If by "read", you mean "imagine the naked lady",
then yes.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter & Lois
[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old
college boyfriend]
Peter: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth
commandment. Congress passes these things for a
reason, Lois.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts
so fast, they won't know what hit 'em.
[he backs into a parked car]
Peter: And, um, neither will that guy.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: ...Lois comes up to me wanting to know if
she can get a job, and I was like: "I got a job for you
right here" [points at his crotch]... this zipper's been
broken for weeks, I've had to use a safety pin.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: NOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.
Damn Longears, trying to take Easter away from
Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're
coming with me.
Peter: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah.
Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the
bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic
Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti
even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot,
and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Joe Swanson: What in god's name is he doing?
Peter: Can't touch me.
Cleveland: I believe it's the worm.
Peter: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/
I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it
out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all
do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin
Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns
think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still
park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford
to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter,
Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Lois
Peter: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think
that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the
man.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Brian
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor.]
Peter: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes, it is.
Peter: Holy crap, that guy must've been wasted 24
hours a day.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have
that disease that makes you swear involuntarily.
Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: So if I accidentally walk through you, does
that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops",
or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
Peter: Well, you see, we're catholic...
Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty,
naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming
out the back of you'.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Brian
Peter: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian: The Bradys?
Peter: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug
dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a
plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got
is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Peter has to come up with a fake name on the
spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration]
Peter: Uh... my name is...
[he sees a pea]

Peter: Pea...
[he sees a woman crying]
Peter: ... tear...
[he sees a gryphon fly by]
Peter: ... Griffin. Peter Griffin.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Stewie
Peter: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee
in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when
I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Chris
Chris: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go
to school.
Peter: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: ...that's a good army.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Peter forms his own country]
Peter: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland,
but that gay bar by the airport took it.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[at a rehab center]
Peter: YEAH. I'm also addicted to boobies.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as
their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow
liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty
can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter: CLEAN MY PEE.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Chris
Peter: Chris is not as smart as you think he is...
[Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head]
Chris: HEY.
Peter: He did it.
[Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it
and starts fighting with it]

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[during a fishing trip]
Peter: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught
is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God
realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a
brewery.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god. He's violating Sea
Breeze.
Peter: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself...
OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[at a dog show]
Peter: Brian, come. Hey, don't you walk out on me!
[aware that the audience is watching]
Peter: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep.
Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off.
Good boy. Heh heh, heh heh.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Meg
Meg: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets
taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she
is not an iron.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter & Chris
Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than
the lesbian sister of biology.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: We love the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really. What's your favorite book of
the Bible?
Peter: Uhhhhh... the book where Jesus swallows the
puzzle piece and the man in the yellow hat has to take
him to the hospital.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Death holds up Peter's death certificate]
Peter: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
Peter: Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fajitas, please?
Yeah, 6,000 chicken fajitas.
Brian: And a supersized McBiscuit, please?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, Think about what
you are doing.
Peter: I am, Your honor Brian will be a great dad.
Hell if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that
Chris' favorite ice cream is...
Brian: Chocolate Chip.
Peter: and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian: Good Night Moon.
Peter: and Meg's real father's name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2,
I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer, you can't
sue.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Peter almost foils a bank robbery]
Peter: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here. Come on.
Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times
for the camera?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[A grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's
door]
Peter: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am?
I'm Death.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids.
Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but
America's foreign policy makes about as much sense
as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first
battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative
defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster
deoxymonohydroxinate... [Peter is watching this
on TV] Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with
another lemon snowcone. Peter: The first one didn't
taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
[pauses]
Peter: Oh, you guys are ASSES.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Brian: You're really going to take back donated
gifts on Christmas Eve?

Peter: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through
the air conditioning duct here, which will be guarded
by lasers three inches above the floor. Now you'll have
to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and
then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some
other amphibious mammal.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Brian: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough
about physical comedy to put his entire family into
serious danger, that's who.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Family is talking about Peter's drinking problem]
Brian: And remember the time when you had an Irish
coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks
Everything he says is a riot.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]

Family Guy Quotes
Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the
man of the house, because, when we get home, your
mother is going to kill me.

Family Guy Quotes
Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits
there consuming other people's feces while contributing
nothing of its own to society.

Family Guy Quotes
Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And
they've been that way ever since they came over to
this country from France.

Family Guy Quotes
Oh no. I gotta fart, but I don't know which way to lean.

Family Guy Quotes
Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of
those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers
a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody.
Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside,
they're dead. And that'll be our lives.

Family Guy Quotes
Well, as I always say, a family of freaks is better
than no family at all.

Family Guy Quotes
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a lower-middle class
Irish family.

Family Guy Quotes
You're the worst thing to happen to musical
theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Family Guy Quotes
Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about
everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am
the least non-competitive. So I win.

Family Guy Quotes
I don't want your Mom to worry alright? When
she worries she starts saying things like 'I told
you so' or 'Stop doing that I'm asleep'.

Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: For God's shake, shake me. Shake me
like a British nanny!

Family Guy Quotes
Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids
will be so smart, they'll be able to program
their own VCRs without spilling piping hot
gravy all over myself.

Family Guy Quotes
Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter
with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just
another word for 'love'?

Family Guy Quotes
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is
the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

Family Guy Quotes
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my
Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Family Guy Quotes
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are
prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.

Family Guy Quotes
Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of
them were half the man you are. And since you're
half a man already, that splits them into some kind
of fraction I can't even measure.

Family Guy Quotes
Do these huggies make my ass look big?

Family Guy Quotes
Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that.
And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
And that.

Family Guy Quotes
OH! mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX!

Family Guy Quotes
Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding
Christmas presents.

Family Guy Quotes
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive
about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am
the least non-competitive. So I win.

Family Guy Quotes
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because
if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

Family Guy Quotes
Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a
white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

The Family Guy Quotes
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.

The Family Guy Quotes
Lois: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need
those two hams back.
Chris: I... I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're
just a fat kid.
Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just
a fat kid.
Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some
chocolate fatso.
Chris: Thanks.

The Family Guy Quotes
Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always
in bed by 8... and home by 11.

The Family Guy Quotes
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island
with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me.
"Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these
magazines. Oh god.

The Family Guy Quotes
Pool Boy: I'm sorry sir, you can't park your van on the
diving board.
Lois: This is my son.
Pool Boy: Oh, my apologies. Hey, Tom. He's not a
van, he's just a fat kid.

The Family Guy Quotes
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime.
OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks
like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from
the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful.
No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.

The Family Guy Quotes
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Oh my God. I'm so offended. I'm going to
do something about this.
Spectator #2: Mike, there's not really anything you can do.
Spectator #1: Wow, you're right. I guess I'm just going
to have to develop a sense of humor, huh?

The Family Guy Quotes
Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad,
that you... you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.

The Family Guy Quotes
Brian: She's a whiney little runt isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian: What? I said runt.

The Family Guy Quotes
Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks
need love too... but they got to pay.

The Family Guy Quotes
[looking at whales]
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do,
you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.


Family Guy Quote
Stewie: Oh, look at me. Look, my finger is in a very
naughty place.
[Stewie's finger is in his nose]
Brian: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his
tongue for toilet paper.

Family Guy Quote
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom
stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.

Family Guy Quote
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on
a very dangerous mission.
It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew
that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign
Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.

Family Guy Quote
[Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian: Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and,
holy crap, it's Peter.

Family Guy Quote
Meg: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris: Well, I've been working out all week.
Meg: You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.
Chris: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg: [freaked] I don't have a mustache... do I?

Family Guy Quote
[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian: You want an explanation?
[slaps Peter]
Brian: GOD
[slaps Peter]
Brian: IS
[slaps Peter]
Brian: PISSED.

Family Guy Quote
Chris: God's watching me do number two? Oh man,
I'm a sinner. God's a pervert.

Family Guy Quote
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been
cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production
of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I won't be going to the
play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a
closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch.
Diane?

Family Guy Quote
Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to
go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No
bail.

Family Guy Quote
Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and
you kick that fish's ass.

Family Guy Quote
Lois: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here,
I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian: "Mr. T" by Mr. T. "T and Me" by George
Poppard. "For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T" by
Ving Rhames. [shudders]

Family Guy Quote
Peter: People make up lies all the time. You know
Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian: Yeah, but don't mention it around the
Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed
to the lie.

Quotes Family Guy
Brian: Look at you. You spent all that time making
Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie: Help me up.
Brian: I would but my doctor advised me against
heavy lifting.

Quotes Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the
alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.

Quotes Family Guy
Chris: I never knew anyone who went crazy before,
except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.

Quotes Family Guy
Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll
never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married
and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell
can't drive?

Quotes Family Guy
Meg: I can't stay in Chris's room the whole week.
It smells like bad milk.
Chris: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.

Quotes Family Guy
[watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Glen Quagmire: Oh no. What do we do? What do
we do?
Peter: We'll drink till she's hot.

Quotes Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter: Right here.
[drinks beer]
Peter: What do I win?
Glen Quagmire: Another beer.
Peter: I'm going for the high score.
Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high
score.
Charlie: Hey, your clock won't flush.

Quotes Family Guy
[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good,
you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife
would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in
Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.

Quotes Family Guy
Brian: The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something
magical about Brown.
Chris: Brown's the color of poo. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Lois: Oh my god. You can only play the piano when
you're drunk.
Peter: That's not true. I can also vomit, fall over, and
make dirty calls to your sister.

Quotes Family Guy
Chris: Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where
you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every
time.

Quotes Family Guy
Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter: $60.
Brian: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to
haggle.

Quotes From Family Guy
Meg: You should go with him. This will be your chance
to be alone with dad.
Chris: I'm not attracted to dad.
Meg: No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts
anymore.
Chris: OH.
Meg: Yipes.

Quotes From Family Guy
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw.
Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this
room, and we are never to speak of this again.

Quotes From Family Guy
Mr. Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown.
Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were
filled with candy.

Quotes From Family Guy
Peter: I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[cut to hell]
Satan: We've got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assistant: No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul
once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983
for half a mallomar.

Quotes From Family Guy
Chris: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word that's not kitty.
Try and guess.
Meg: Is it kitty?
Chris: AHHH. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.

Quotes From Family Guy
Chris: Hey Meg, try to think of the word I'm thinking of,
and it's not kitty.
Meg: I don't know... banana?
Chris: Aha, it was kitty!

Quotes From Family Guy
Brian: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked
meat log?

Quotes From Family Guy
Peter: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost
In Space.
[flashback]
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my
16 year old daughter out into the woods for the rest of
the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the
robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this
mincing, boy-hungry pedophile with you.

Quotes From Family Guy
[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's
contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing
anything about German history between 1939 and 1945.
There's just a big gap.

Quotes From Family Guy
[on the phone]
Chris: So, what are you wearing?
[pause]
Chris: Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.

Quotes From Family Guy
Stewie: How deliciously evil. It's like something out of
Stephen King.
[flashback]
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... is
attacked... by a giant lamp monster.
Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you?

Funny Family Guy Quotes
Brian: You got anything on that remote lower than
Mute?

Funny Family Guy Quotes
Peter: See? They covered the house in Teflon so that
nothing sticks to it.
[the family slips and falls to the floor]
Peter: Oh, I probably shouldn't have had them cover
the floors in it.
[Stewie skates by]
Stewie: Look at me. I'm nudes on ice.

Funny Family Guy Quotes
[Stewie picking his nose.]
Stewie: Do I not disgust you?
Brian: Kid you're looking at someone who uses his
tongue to clean his privates.

Funny Family Guy Quotes
Meg: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left
Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while
moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not
come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool
shed, for I am hungry.

Funny Family Guy Quotes
Chris: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that
I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and
not say "poop". Oh God. What have I done?

Funny Family Guy Quotes
UPS Woman: Package for Mr. Glen Quagmire.
Quagmire: Thank you.
[walks inside with it, returns naked]
Quagmire: And I've got a package for you. Oh yeah.
[she maces him]
Quagmire: Heh he. I've developed immunity to that
stuff.

Funny Family Guy Quotes
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut
up for about a week?

Funny Family Guy Quotes
[Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a
flatbed truck like The Dukes of Hazzard]
Peter: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next
time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can
be Anus.
Brian: Enis.
Peter: What'd I say?
Brian: Anus.
[Peter laughs hysterically]

Funny Family Guy Quotes
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except
during the Million Man March when protestors
burned down our porta-potties and I used my
stream of justice to put out the hate.

Funny Family Guy Quotes
Cleveland: You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you
don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
Meg: I guess that's OK.
[opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
Cleveland: We think he died some time between the
Tonight Show and the Today Show.

Quotes From The Family Guy
Lois: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role
reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who
makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's
stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me,
Peter.
Peter: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let
Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with
the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and
we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse
stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings
and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon
my plans for world domination when I grow up and
wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

Quotes From The Family Guy
[Family is trying to hide from mobsters.]
Peter: Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move
to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know,
drive-by... arguments...
[Meanwhile, in England.]
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B.
Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting
the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is.
Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
[They drive up.]
Englishman: Oh Reginald... I disagree.
[drives off]

Quotes From The Family Guy
[Chris is talking to Stewie. It's Christmas]
Chris: Here, it's a Candy-cane. But don't stick it up
your nose, it burns like hell.

Quotes From The Family Guy
[A social worker is trying to take Stewie away
because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit]
Lois: How dare you say that? This is a wonderful
home for a child to live. [a gunshot is heard from
the roof]
Peter: Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near
my fence again and that'll be your head.

Quotes From The Family Guy
Chris: Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie
is gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois: Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.
Stewie: Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar
yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University
of Duuuhh?

Quotes From The Family Guy
Cleveland: That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta
were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's
it... that's the spot."

Family Guy Quotations
Brian: Peter, only one gift was for charity the rest
where for the family.
Peter: No the rest were FROM the family... weren't
they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning
of for to from?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it said 'For Peter' on
it so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you
didn't uh, you know it's just easier to call you stupid.

Family Guy Quotations
Chris: Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and
now the ants are carrying me home.
[laughing]
Peter: Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at
home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya
turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right
into the fridge.

Family Guy Quotations
[On being President of the tobacco company]
Peter: And they give us a lot of perks, too.
Ugly Girl: (to Meg) Hi.
Meg: Who are you?
Ugly Girl: I'm the ugly girl sent to stand next to you
to make you more desirable.

Family Guy Quotations
Death: You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For, if you
do, the consequences could be dire.
Peter: Go on...
Death: That's it.
[to Lois]
Death: God, what do you see in him?

Family Guy Quotations
Meg: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody
better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.
Lois: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna
have a great time.
Stewie: Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd
of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music
and jellybeans and stickers.

Family Guy Quotations
Boy Scout leader: Chris you have three days to earn
a merit badge or you are out of the scouts.
Peter: Three days... that's tomorrow!

Family Guy Quotations
[Bear is standing in front of Peter and Chris]
Chris: Dad I know what to do! I saw NBC's 'When Bears
Attack'. GO AWAY. You are not wanted, go on... scat.
Stay tuned for all new Ally Mcbeal...

Family Guy Quotations
Brian: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry
martini around here?

Family Guy Quotations
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together.]
Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what...
Brian: If you say "that's what she said" one more time,
I am gonna pop you.

Family Guy Quotations
Lois: Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?
Brian: Piss off.
Lois: What?
Brian: Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of
... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.

Funny Conversations - Lois And Stewie
Brace yourself for a round of hard hitting Family Guy
quotes. Lois and Stewie hardly share the mother-son
relationship that you would expect. You are quite likely
going to balk at the dark humor of these Family Guy
quotes – Lois and Stewie present their worst!

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Chris: Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois: Oh, honey... maybe.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was
fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean,
after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just--DEATH.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds
after church.
Meg, Chris: MOM.
Peter: OK, we can go... but you cant super-size.
Chris Awwwww...
Peter: OK, you can super-size but no apple pie.
Meg: Oh, come on.
Peter: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't
blow on it.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a
car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another
word for "love"?

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: You should spend some time with our kids,
Peter. And with me.
Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder
the children and harvest their organs for beer
money.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: What's going on?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Stewie that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Really? I could have sworn it was cat
food.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other
room.
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell...?

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Stewie: Mother, I come baring a gift. I'll give you a
hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell
him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: Here Stewie, I made your favorite pancakes.
Stewie: Thank you Lois, when I rule the world, your
death shall come quick and painless.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see
on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but
mess with one of my chicks and I'll claw your ****
eyes out. Now who wants a cookie?
Stewie: I do. Ooh, keep talking. All this talk about
eye-gouging has got me all frisky.

Family Guy Quotes - Lois And Stewie
Psychiatrist: Does Stewie have a history of violence?
Lois: Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act.
Stewie: Actually, my first violent act involved that
ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I
left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my
work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about
the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't...
I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot
of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much
I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive
anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are
this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God!
Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a
homosexual?"

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I
shall kill you.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must
get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and
an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH,
GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli
"airplane style"] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli,
and Damn the Wright Brothers.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you!
Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm
going to crap double for you tonight.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Isn't it funny how they say "life is like a
box of chocolates"? Well in your case, dear mother,
life is like a box of active grenades!

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: OK, Harold, what do you think of our
Mad Lib?
[clears throat]
Stewie: Cinderella had two step-'watermelons',
who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet'
turned her pumkin into a big 'fanny', and dragged
her off to the 'poop'.
[short laugh]
Stewie: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those
anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to
be fattening.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder,
that's paprika. Ahhhh! Take that

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow
the stuff under the sink."

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy,
I want a mullet.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie"
if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent
Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake."
"Snake Griffin."

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very
theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there.
Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello...
Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers
nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn
you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-
1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street
Journal. You two, fight to the death.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Hmm, time for dessert. Let's see - big chocolate
cake for Stewie,
[holds up a leaf to Chris]
Stewie: and something very tasty for big, fat you.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Come any closer and I'll cut her.
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could
become infected.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most
recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your
son, Issak", and Abraham said, I can't hear you, you'll have
to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better?
Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still
getting some hiss back here."

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good
news. I've decided not to kill you.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs?
I would bring it with me.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children
on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got
a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas,
I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the
30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll
at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually
not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I
would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button
on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I,
I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know
as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then
it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the
sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I
should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again
good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a
little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the
sweater.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: This isn't the first time my small stature has
hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the
human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human
race for $1?
Stewie: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck
ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of
your mouth.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good
for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you
question me again I’ll put you on diaper detail and I
promise I won’t make it easy for you.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
[watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]
Stewie: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with
rigor mortis.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Mother, as first lady of the American stage
Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around
in my own feces? A little service here.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street
Journal next to the changing table.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
[The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is
being waited on.]
Stewie: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Meg: Mom, guess what, I made Flag Girl squad!
Stewie: Flag Girl? Um yes good for you. Now you can
be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Stewie: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a
full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie: Enjoy your studio apartment.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie: Careful. It's 'gently rub the scalp', not 'scrub
like you're trying to get the vomit out of a Christmas
dress', you stupid holiday drunk.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who
cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
[While trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you
some beer, it'll run right through you.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can
light up a dubey and watch porn.
Peter: Rea... Really?

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the
stuff under the sink."

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy,
I want a mullet.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Come any closer and I'll cut her.
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could
become infected.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most
recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta
Thigh.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill
your son, Issak", and Abraham said, I can't hear you,
you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm
sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull
the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying
to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ...can't it be both?

Peter: You remember that time I was supposed to get
that boat? A BOAT'S A BOAT, but the mystery box
could be anything. IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT.
You know how much we wanted one of those.
Lois: Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.

Peter: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with
us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps
you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go
to Purgatory with all the un-baptized babies.
Peter: You hear that Lois? You love kids.

Peter: Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it
from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom
from when you got the trots?
Peter: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to
hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday
service and I thought blowing gas would offend God so
I let it rip in the vestibule after service?
Lois: Top drawer.

Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the
Gumbles have.
Lois: The Gumbles are brothers.

Peter: Look at this, Lois... see right here [points in
book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook,
it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong
picture and name.

Lois: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter: Do... do I hit 'im?

Peter: At least they don't put their feminine
ointments next to the mustard.
Lois: That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't
you go back to that doctor and have him suck the
fat out of your head?
Peter: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet
and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook
his flapjacks.
Lois: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
Chris: Hey, mom, look at these bananas.
Peter: Why you smart little bastard.
Lois: Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In
fact, most women prefer them to normal size bananas
because they're exotic and flavorful.
Peter: Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls
clamoring for the plantain section.

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship
tape]
Lois: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter: Lois, our relationship can not be measured
in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.
[runs off]

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
Peter: Gee, Lois, I hope that you don't do something
stupid like buying that time share or realizing that
your husband taped over our wedding video with
soft-core cable porn.
Lois: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter: Just the boring stuff.

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
Lois: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you
make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage
mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you
become a teenager?
Lois: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter: You KNEW about this?

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
[watching a news report on TV]
Lois: Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species
off the face of the earth.
Peter: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
Lois: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up
all night drinking.

Peter And Lois Family Guy Quotes
Lois: This can be a great opportunity for you and
Stewie to bond.
Peter: Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa... Whoa. I almost walked
into that one.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
Lois: We'll continue this talk after dinner. Women
are not objects.
Peter: That's right, son, listen to what it says.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
Lois: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer.
I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a
delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself
on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
[Lois' sister is in labor]
Peter: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois: That's the head. Carol, push. Push.
Peter: I am. It won't go back in.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois: Peter, did you get new buttocks?
Peter: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
[Peter gets fired]
Peter: Hey, Lois, the 'lost my job' smells great.
Hey, Meg, could you pass me the 'fired my ass for
negligence'?
Lois: Peter, are you OK?
Peter: Great. I haven't got a job in the world.

Quotes: Family Guy: Peter And Lois
Lois: Peter, punish Chris.
Peter: Son, I'm watching the game, you know
what to do.
[Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This hurts me more
than it hurts you.